How does an autistic kid grow up to be a mass murderer?
I have, fearfully, pondered this nearly two years. The two year anniversary of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting is coming up next month. I clearly remember my thoughts the days and weeks following the shootings. As if being the parent of an special needs child is not stressful enough, suddenly we have this madman go on a murderous rampage in an elementary school and we find out he suffered (yes, SUFFERED) from autism. Are the two related? Autism and the anger that must have driven him to commit such a horrific act? I can only speak from MY opinion, but I can see how it could happen; how it could be related. Unfortunately what I write below is not unique to our life, but is common to the life of those living in the world of autism.
- Jon was diagnosed thirteen years ago; the services available were miniscule. The killer would have began showing signs of autism nineteen years ago. I am confident the available services at that time were non-existent.
- Society shuns. Not just the autistic child, but the family. No, it's not intentional, but it happens. The social life becomes sparse once your child begins to show signs of autism. I mean, why would someone want to ruin their nice dinner or movie by sharing it with a couple's screaming, hand-flapping, food-smearing toddler? If you aren't careful, you begin to isolate your family. It is safe inside your "autistic world" because those "normal folks" can't hurt us inside our own homes.
- Family shuns. Again, not intentional, but very realistic. Once our children are walking, running and requiring constant observation, the invitations for sleepovers with the cousins and close friends end. Grandma and grandpa are overwhelmed and just can not handle the child alone. Family get-togethers are more stressful for the parents of the autistic child, than a time of bonding and celebration. You are reminded just how far behind typical children your baby falls, you are advised that if you would just spank him he would mind you and you spend the entire evening chasing your child, looking for your lost child and cleaning up messes made by your child. You can not wait for the event to end so you can return to your autism-safe home, so you can relax..if only for a moment. Family loves the child--from afar.
- Schools shun. The school Jon was zoned for did not want him. Exact words from the principal, "We don't want him here. We are not ready for him here." Wow! Can you imagine, as a parent of a beautiful, happy, six year old, hearing your child is not wanted? I mean, it is obvious..the looks, the stares, the sighs...in public, but to hear someone who is in a position to educate our children say your child is not wanted; heartbreaking. Yes, they took him, and they did an amazing job, but that initial rejection still lingers. I can not imagine a child with Asperger's overhearing the discussions that happened at our home during this stressful time. Hearing that a school didn't want him; not because he is violent or aggressive (he is not), simply because he is different. Jon did not comprehend the discussions (or so we think), I bet the shooter did.
- Kids shun. Now, we have been blessed here and have not experienced this issue. Two reasons: 1. Jon has been blessed to be with an amazing group of kids who love him. 2. Jon does not have Asperger's, so even those kids who do verbally bully and make fun of him do not bother him (so it seems). He does not care what others think of him; he lacks that ability (I call it one of the few gifts of autism). The monster that murdered those kids did have Asperger's Syndrome, meaning he was higher functioning than Jon. He UNDERSTOOD that he was not the same as other kids, he felt the pain of rejection. Bullying has got to stop! We, must find a way to teach our children tolerance. Perhaps we should begin by showing them tolerance.
- Medical profession shuns. Autism has been an epidemic for well over a decade now, yet we still have little understanding about the causes or worse yet, the treatment. There is no magic pill, no single care plan, no proof that any treatment regimen has a better outcome than another. What we do have is a bunch of money hungry medical personnel (I refuse to call them professionals) who offer a miracle cure to desperate parents. They have vitamins, therapies, injections, books, videos, programs, diets and a multitude of other expensive and often dangerous modalities that they guarantee will cure our children. Some parents mortgage the farm to pay for these services only to later become angry and more frustrated because they are broke and their child is still autistic. Where I blame the medical profession is because they do little to speak up and dispel these fraudulent claims of cure.
- The media sensationalizes. One person: Jenny McCarthy. She sold magazines and upped ratings while she told the story of how she cured her son of autism. She did one thing well, she brought attention to autism. However, she hurt the cause of the average autistic child because 1. We know there is NO cure to autism. Even her child is not cured. 2. We lack the monetary funding she has, therefore we can not afford the extensive treatments she provided her child. Society sees her claiming her son is cured and can not understand why on earth we have not cured OUR child too. It is that simple, right? Not. 3. Rather than take a sincere look at autism, the media chooses to only report what draws viewers. Sexy Jenny and Murderous Adam. We see or hear little of the average, struggling family.
So, shunned and awkward, the withdrawn child withdraws further. Solace is found in things he can manipulate; TV, video games, the internet and GUNS. He can control each of those situations and he can anticipate the outcome; unlike socializing. The one person who is always his constant, his mother, pushes him to do more with his life. His father and only sibling abandoned (shunned) him, and momma is left to navigate this lonely path alone. The mother, suffering with MS, begins to seek help with him. We spend countless hours worrying what will happen to our children when we are gone. No one wanted them when they were cute and little, they definitely don't want them when they are big, tall, hairy and full of hormones. He catches wind of his mom's plans, her illness. He fears losing the only constant he's had in life; the only unconditional love he's know. He snaps.
When Jon was little, toy guns were not allowed in our house. One simple reason, he lacks the ability to differentiate toy from real. He also lacks the understanding of the power of a real gun or of the finality of death. We don't allow video games where weapons are used to shoot people; Jon can not differentiate between virtual and reality. If those people on the TV really do NOT die, then he would view shooting a live person or animal the same way.
With parenting an autistic child comes extreme responsibility. A lot of that responsibility is in thinking forward instead of just living for today. How what I expose him to today can impact his future actions. I blame the mother for not only exposing the murderer to guns, but encouraging it. Perhaps she felt she was giving him an outlet? I give her prompts for trying, but at the end of the day, she created a monster and it came back to attack her.
But she does not hold the burden alone...
I am still sickened by the murder of innocent lives and I have very little sympathy for the mother and the shooter. I have tried looking through her eyes and find sympathy or empathy, but I stop short of knowing she taught him how to shoot guns, of her allowing him to become a hermit in a basement with walls covered with posters of guns, of her probably worrying more about a public persona than getting her child the services he needed. She had money, something most of us do not. She obviously saw signs that he needed help; this didn't build up overnight. BUT, I also blame society because it started the first time someone in the supermarket stared in disdain at the screaming child, yet never offered to give the mom a helping hand. It took society twenty years, but we played a role in it. We bear a huge burden; we have blood on our hands.
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